I put Isla down for her nap the other day with a book. Rather than fussing herself to sleep, she babbled while flipping pages. I cannot tell you how much this warms my heart. I have read myself to sleep for over twenty years now, and it has been such a great joy in my life. I hope I can share this love with her, because I know how happy it will make her.
Isla is growing up so fast. In some fleeting moments this past week she has looked like a toddler. The words "ball", "shoe", "hot", and "wow" have been added to her vocabulary. She loves shoes. She will chose a pair from the closet, bring it to me while saying "shoe" repeatedly, turn around, sit on me lap, and wait for me to put them on. Ten minutes later she'll grab another pair and do the whole thing over again. She also loves to grab clothes from her closet and bring them to me to put on her. Maybe she is taking after her cousin Aerlind, the budding fashionista? I can only hope :)
I love this girl with an accumulating ferocity I cannot fully comprehend. With Liam my love is complete and solid, irrefutable and incomparable. I know him and I love him, but it sort of feels like there may be small parts of him I will never "get" or "understand", not because I don't try but because I am female and he is male and the simplicity in that isn't discouraging or negative in the slightest, but a fact. And maybe I am a jerk for openly stating there is a difference, and maybe I shouldn't use this blog as a format for self-introspection, because I usually don't and I like it that way. But I am in the mood, I guess? So, to finish my thoughts...
By saying there is a difference, I am not saying there are discrepancies.
But with Isla, our relationship feels reminiscent. I know her better then I should, better than ever possible in one year. Our relationship feels like a treasured antique, when according to all logic it should feel as fresh and new as she is. I am sure a lot of moms feel this way too, and I am glad for that. I am not trying to say I love her more or differently than any other mother loves their daughter. I am only attempting to articulate myself, because saying I love her, no, I really, really love her doesn't fully reflect the joy and fulfillment shes rooted in my heart.
And now it is time for me to go to bed, so I won't be a monster to the kids I claim to love so much tomorrow!
3 comments:
Becca, please, I love your self-introspection. It's my favorite; I relate to your self-introspection. I know how you feel now, having two. I was kind of scared of having Elliot because he is innately different from me. And there is a definite difference between baby Dottie and baby Elliot. But I feel so privileged to have two different genders because I can love in completely different (but yet similar)ways. I, too, love my little girl and all of her quirks that are so similar to me as a little girl.
p.s.
I thought you might like to know that my sister, Carrie, told me today that she hopes she gets a roommate that's like you. She thinks you're the funnest kind of friend to have. I agree.
My daughter must have her "Bible book" - a little Spanish children's bible I bought on a whim before she was born - to go to bed. I love that.
To admit you love your two different children differently should not make you hesitant. It seems the most obvious thing in the world.
Loving my daughter makes me very introspective. I think about myself as a baby girl, and my mother tending to me. I think about my daughter growing up and tending to her own baby girl. About how we make a chain of women, forward and back in time.
And my love for my son is different from that. I've really only had four months to explore it, I'll grant you, but it's almost as if the love I feel for him is less complicated. I don't get all metaphysical about the circle of life. ha ha
But these loves manifest themselves very, very similarly. In hundreds of kisses on my delicious little children!
Hope this all makes sense. Rather sleep-deprived down here!
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